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| AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
dslfkjasd;fljdlfijd jfhskjfhdshfdlsH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sdljkfasljkfh sdkuhg ldhfliurwfewhlikrhloihiu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
kfjsdlfhsdkfhalksd????
sdfkjalskdhfklsdhflkjashdflkjsdhlfkjahsdlfhsdljhfslkjhflksdhflawehruwheliuhbsaflesiudthlksrtslkduh!
that's all I can say right now.
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| This summer was really hard for me. I mean, it had some fun and great parts to it, but really hard nonetheless.
1) I had to leave pretty much the only home I've had for the last three years behind because of stupid money. I missed it. I missed having that built in family. I missed the long talks under the stars until all hours of the night. I missed the feeling of belonging somewhere. I missed the kids. I missed the joy.
2) I fell away from quite a few people that I love more than anything. I don't really know what happened. I guess I just felt abandoned and lost. I'm so sorry.
3) I found out that I'm completely expendable.
4)I found out that I cause a lot of pain and for protection of others, I let the hurt done to me build to the point where it poisoned me. And now that I know that, I don't know where the antidote is and I feel like I'm dying.
5) I was told in no uncertain terms that I'm not good enough....again. But this time, it's my whole self. It's my past, my present, and my future. This adds to my loss of self.
Now I start what is essentially my last semester of college. The time when you're supposed to have the best years of you life. And all I can say is that I hope to God that isn't true. I don't want my life to be lived in pain.
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| I realize that it's sometimes hard to say no, but even harder to say yes
I realize that sometimes confronting things is the only way to make them disappear
I realize that just because you desire something with your whole being doesn't make it the right time for it.
I realize that waiting for the right time sometimes leaves you with a lot of impatient todays
I realize that working your butt off for something in the future can suck initially but pay off eventually
I realize that giving up your dreams for a summer sucks, but is rewarding nonetheless.
I realize that the past can mess you up worse in the present.
I realize that trust is harder than anyone ever imagined
I realize that giving up only leaves you hopeless
I realize that a change of routine is sometimes the rejuvenation you need, even if it isn't exactly restful.
I realize that love is the only thing I live for
I realize that just because Jesus and I aren't having daily conversations doesn't mean that we aren't still in love
I realize that real best friends can be friends forever even if their lives run different paths for a while.
I realize that my standards may never be met, but I still have no incentive to lower them
I realize that I am a contradiction to myself.
I realize that the future is scary and will be until it is the past, but I must pursue it nonetheless.
I realize that I will always be in love.
I realize that I can never let go of those I do love.
I realize that I live for passion.
I realize that I live for relationships.
I realize that I live for people
I realize that I live to love.
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| Hmmm....maybe I should randomly update this....like now sounds good.
Bottom line of my summer is that I work a lot and I'm not making the gobs and gobs of money I thought I would be. I mean, I'm not dead broke, but I'm also not really in a place to be paying off going to Europe either. Part of that is because I've already started, so whenever I get a nice large paycheck, a huge chunk goes to something like rent, or the band, or the CIE dept.. but it's good......or it will be.
I feel like since summer started, I've kinda dropped off the face of the earth. I haven't really talked to 90% of the people I know and love. The 10% I do see are only in the mix because I work with them. Sad, I know. I'm free after 8 nearly every night, if you're ever free....hint hint, nudge nudge.
I miss camp.....holy poop on a pancake do I MISS CAMP!!! The saddest part is that I don't even have time to write letters to all my lovelies there. I feel like a horrible friend. Shhhh....don't tell anyone, I think I might go there next weekend, since I'm no longer going camping and such. Oooooo....that would be good. But also a lot of gas that I honestly can't afford. Grrrrr.....
Maybe I'll be done for now. I have to go work....obviously. I guess, just know that I really do exist, and I really do miss you all. I'm just really bogged down and really exhausted.
Love,
P.S. I have no idea who I am anymore. I hate having an identity crisis.
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| Okay, so I've been working at this job, well, multiple jobs, for the past two weeks. When all is said and done, I will have worked 14 days in a row with only 4 days working less than 11 hours and 5 working more. I'm EXHAUSTED. Now I only have 2 days left of this nonsense, but I'm pretty much running myself into the ground. I would really like a nap. Oops, look at the time. I need to get ready to start my day. sigh.....two more....just two more.
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